Here I Am

It's been a long time, I know. And I've had several of you ask where I've been for such a long time! Truth is, I've sat down at least a dozen times to post something, but words just haven't come. It's not that there's nothing going on, it's just that I haven't been in the best state of mind lately. Let me explain, without sounding like I'm griping or at all ungrateful for the life that I live...

The bottom line is that I'm tired and overwhelmed and a little bit defeated. The past few months have been difficult for a lot of different reasons, with work and bills and other obligations. Lu found out last week that he's being laid off as of tomorrow (the 12th). Work is hard right now because I really miss my kids and I hate that I have to work to make ends meet. I feel like we work so hard with nothing to show for it (I'm speaking in worldly terms here - in the terms that matter, we are richly blessed). There are certain things that are just out of reach, and frankly - I'm bitter. I'm bitter that I have to put my kids in daycare and every day I see women dropping hundreds of dollars on Botox. I'm bitter that Lu works his butt off every day so his supervisors can play golf and he's the one that's dealt the short stick. In some ways I know that things happen for a reason, and I know that everything works out - I do. But right now the journey is, let's say, a little harder than I prefer.

That being said, I am SO grateful for the healing power of the Atonement. Even though I obviously have some feelings that I need to work through, there is still a peace that I feel when I pray for comfort, guidance, and sometimes just the strength to make it through the day. Our challenges are so unique, and I recognize the heat of the refiner's fire. I'm getting quite used to it actually. Sometimes I wish I could just learn what it is that I'm supposed to learn already and be done with it. Other times I see clearly the path that I'm taking and I'm okay with it.

Even in all of the financial/employment turmoil that we find ourselves in, we have a lot to be grateful for. I have found a lot of joy in my life despite some of the challenges and disappointments, and I've been blessed with amazing family and friends. I guess if I'm going to be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life I will at least be in good company!

I'm sorry for the lapse in communication. As you can tell, I've been working on a few things that still need some thought, prayer, repentance, and a little bit of surrender. Over the next little while I'll post some pictures and tidbits about the kids (they are growing so fast!) and all of their shenanigans. I've been keeping up with all of your blogs, however, and it's fun to see all that you've been doing. So many pregnancies! Crazy! I'm really jealous. Anyway, don't think less of me for my bad attitude. I'm working on it, I promise!